La Mitad: The Middle

Today is a big day. Today is the exact middle of my time here, experiencing all things Ecuador. I hope you’re all ready for some FEELINGS because that’s what’s in your future if you keep reading this post.

98 days ago I was sitting in an Airport in Atlanta, Georgia wondering what the heck I thought I was doing. Six months away from home, away from a school I love, away from my family and my friends was a looming figure that had just emerged from the future and into my present. Study-abroad was always that thing that I was looking forward to. Now that I had finally caught up to it, I wasn’t so sure it was something I should have been excited about. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that apprehensive about anything before. And they make you get there SO EARLY! All that time pondering your future is torture. Fortunately for me, Hannah, Maggie, and Peter were on the same flight, and just having someone to share the experience with, the fear and uncertainty of it all, helped immensely. I think I would have exploded without that support.

Since I have been here, some of those fears have been validated, others banished, but most of them just sort of disappeared into all the confusion that is Ecuador. I guess they didn’t really matter that much. I’ve discovered that, yes, it’s difficult to be away from home. I miss school. I miss music. I miss circus. I miss seasons. But, most of all, I miss you. I miss the people that I love and care about. I just want to see everyone, hug everyone, laugh with everyone, and share everything that I’m experiencing through some means that doesn’t involve technology. That’s the hardest thing about being here. I feel so separated from everyone. That’s something that I’ve been feeling from the beginning too, though I think the feeling has changed over time. Originally I was sad because I knew I wouldn’t see my people for a long time, but it was an intellectual homesickness. Now, I’m finally experiencing the real thing, and it’s not fun.

Homesickness has a few different forms. One is what you think of little kids having: the “I wanna go home” tantrums and the crying and the utter sadness of someone who feels lost and abandoned. Then there’s the homesickness that I’m running into. Sure, there are times that I just “wanna go home” and times when I feel lost, wondering what I’m doing in a culture that is so different from what I am used to, but I never feel abandoned. I know that the people I left in the states, you guys, are ready to welcome me back when the time finally comes (or before if I could manage it). The other difference, is that the “child’s homesickness” is a fast-acting thing that comes from a change in their surroundings to something they aren’t used to, and they just react. For me, my homesickness has come from getting used to my new surroundings. Now that I know my way around, I’ve started to figure out what I DON’T like about Ecuadorian culture. This means that I start thinking more about “how we do things in the states” hence, thinking that it’s better there and here stinks. Of course, not everything here stinks, but that’s the perspective your brain takes when it really just wants to be home and resting inside your skull, on your own (SOFT) pillow, inside your own house, and in your own country. Of course, I know I’m going to do the same thing when I’m back in the US and thinking about all the GOOD things in Ecuador, but, at the moment, the annoyances seem to be filling my view of things more than the good stuff.

It doesn’t help that school is nearing the end of the semester and I’m starting to get stressed. Not to mention that my LEAST favorite part of Ecuador is USFQ. The university is full of students who have more money than they know what to do with (ok, I take that back, they DO know what to do with it and they flaunt that all the time) and aren’t really putting it to good use attending their classes. Partly since it seems that few of them ever even go to class. The university itself has a 10% graduation rate. And I would bet that a good portion of that 10% is the students there on Scholarships, since they at least understand the real-world value of the money being spent on their education. They also actually come to class.

I am hoping that once classes are over, I’ll get out of the slumps a bit. I’m just ready to move on to something different. Maybe that’s also due to the fact that I’m taking semester length classes for the first time since my freshman year of high school, so all the topics I’m studying are getting kind of old. Come January though, I’ll be able to travel more freely on the weekends and also do things during the week around Quito, since I won’t be bogged down by so much homework.

All in all though, I’m still happy to be here. I’m happy to have the opportunity to experience such a different culture and language and to get to know both intimately. I’m glad that there are places in the world that do things so differently, and that that knowledge won’t be lost as long as we can all stay connected and keep sharing our differences with each other. I love how much I can learn in a single day, just because I’m seeing and experiencing things I’m not used to. And the feeling I get when I finally figure out something fantastic is one of the best feelings around.

It’s just that, sometimes, it’s hard to remember all of that. And sometimes I don’t even want to, because I just want to think about home.

Don’t worry though, I’m still happy more than I am sad, frustrated, and disappointed. And it’s really much better than what I was afraid of sitting in that airport 98 days ago questioning my sanity and dreading the worst. Life continues, and it continues to help us grow, and I will be home before I know it, wondering why I was ever homesick in the first place.